Shadow of John Carter
by Lindy
Summary: What if John Carter died instead of Lucy? How it would affect the rest of the ER...
1. Life is Burning

The Shadow of John Carter  
  
The lights started to fade in John Carter's eyes. The world around him was a blur, but he heard everything that was going on. It comforted him to hear the worried voices of the people he knew and loved. What had happened? The possibilities seemed flightless, but everything had happened so quickly, so out of pace with the rest of the world...   
  
Carter tried to open his eyes more, but there was a feeling of tiredness that seemed to be overcoming the pain. It ran through his body, slowly making it's way to his head. The obvious battle was to fight onward, to overcome the diversity that was leaking out his side, pouring the thousands of pricks of pain on to the floor like miniature needles, as if he had already died a thousand deaths to come this far. It was so easy to give into exhaustion. He remembered suddenly the girl who had been lying next to him, just as enwrithed as he had been. Lucy! Was she all right? The feeling was overtaking his body and, as his loving team of doctors scurried about his body, he turned his head to the side to see Lucy through the trauma window and saw that she was still alive.  
  
There he saw her: She was barely there, but for some vague reason, Carter knew she was still there. All Carter could see was Lucy's figure, and all he could hear were the two tones of a pulse indicator, beating and contracting so a not-so-steady rhythm of beeps and squeals. He wanted to hold her right then, he wanted to go back just those few moments and exchange time for what he could, but it was like failing a test that he could have studied for.   
  
A burst of energy swept his thoughts away and he only glanced to the ceiling once before looking back at Lucy. There were only shadows of the people around him, and soon after the shadows disappeared, all except Lucy's limp image faded away, until there was nothing there. In moments time, even her figure faded along with the rest, but the sound of the monitors lingered on for a little while longer.   
  
Through all the chaos and the confusion, he could still vividly make out the two beeps. They were so different, but they were so completely similar at the same time. Then the racing started, and there was another burst of final energy, until the first beep had faded out, the steady beep no longer significant, and the second beat raced over the gradual tone of the first. It only took Carter a minute to realize that the second beeping was that of his own machine; and it got faster and faster, until there was nothing but a complete and connected sound...  
  
And then his time stopped, and John Carter passed away.  
  
  
  
"Lucy," Elizabeth Corday sat down beside her as Lucy woke up, "can you hear me?"  
  
Lucy nodded, her eyes wide open, but worried about what had happened. She opened her mouth to speak but Elizabeth stopped her.  
  
"You can't speak, Lucy. You can whisper... do you want to try that?" Elizabeth felt like a mother speaking to a three-year-old, but this was how she was going to deal with it. She popped the cord to her throat and Lucy looked up at her.  
  
"Where's Carter?" Lucy spoke silently.  
  
"I'm not sure, they took him to OR I think. He was hurt... very badly, Lucy. I just know he's out of the ER." Elizabeth tried to smile, and she soothed Lucy's hair.   
  
"Elizabeth?" She turned around to see Benton.   
  
"Dr. Benton. Can I..." Elizabeth looked at him, and immediately noticed something was wrong. He had been crying, because his eyes were red and bloodshot, and there was something wrong in the way he looked at her.  
  
"Carter..." Benton choked out. Elizabeth stood up from her seat by Lucy. "Carter died. A few minutes ago." Dr. Benton said softly.  
  
Lucy felt herself almost collapsing on grief from the inside out. Not John, not her John. Not the Dr. Carter that spent two years with her. Not the man she fought so hard with, only to find herself in a messed up web of love-hate. Not that man. Not her mentor, her conspirator, her friend. He couldn't die. He was going to be there, always! It was a given. He would never leave, it just wasn't possible. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought of the man who was John Carter, and his personalty and his very character. He couldn't be gone, he wasn't supposed to be! John Carter was alive, he was alive!... John *was* alive... But not now... The thoughts filled Lucy's mind and a few tears streamed down her face.  
  
  
  
_A few days later, at the funeral home..._  
  
The funeral wasn't exactly the most modest thing that Kerry Weaver had ever seen. His family had gone out of their way to make it something special, something memorable. The casket was black with gold handles, and the blanket that covered the body of John Carter was the purest silk Kerry Weaver had ever seen. She swallowed. It was hard for her to see the body of someone she had watched grow into a talented and skillful doctor. This was the same John Carter that had been a med student, a surgery intern.. a great resident in trauma... She felt a hand on her shoulder as she hovered over the casket. It was Dr. Kovac.  
  
"He was a caring man, Luka," she said, her tone dripping with sadness.  
  
"I know," Luka whispered solemnly.   
  
"Once he didn't want to be paid. It was..." Kerry smiled, and the grin let tears pour over her cheeks. "It was when he switched from surgery to trauma... he said he didn't want to be paid." Kerry Weaver let the tears roll down her cheek. "I should have paid him."   
  
"He wouldn't have let you." Luka said, passing by the casket with Kerry. "He just... wouldn't have let you."  
  
  
"He's so still..." Carol Hathaway leaned over the casket. She looked at Carter's empty body. "It's so hard..." Her voice was raspy, obviously still very upset. "Look at him, Doug."  
  
"I know, Carol... I know." He put an arm around her. "I knew him, too."   
  
John's body was so pale and unreal. His hair was as it always was, and, minus the usual moose, his general appearance was as it should be... but he wasn't as he should be. He wasn't there. And he never would be again. Carol let tears drop on to the silk. "Bye, Carter..."   
  
  
Elizabeth sighed. "Oh, Mark..." She looked at Carter's body.  
  
"He really was the best, wasn't he?" Mark Greene took off his glasses, fogged from the strain of holding back tears.  
  
"Carter was a good man, Mark." She sighed. "Such a good man." Elizabeth Corday was naturally soft spoken, but the whole scene was very quieting. John's family was being very hostile to the members of the hospital staff. Talks of a law suit had sprung up all over the place, and John's grandparents, both sets, were particularly pointing fingers. They were planning on not letting any of the staff in, but one of Carter's grandmothers had spoken up, saying that Carter had loved his work, and the people there, and that no one had the right to take that away from him. Even now.  
  
"C'mon." Mark motioned to an area in the corner where a few of the nurses where gathered. "Let's go." Elizabeth turned to go, dropping a rose on the silk blanket, and Mark looked at Carter one more time. "Thanks, Carter..."   
  
  
It had been a long drive to the funeral home, and it had been an even longer walk to the viewing room. When he saw John in the casket, Dave Malucci couldn't contain himself anymore. He approached the casket, expecting Carter to get up and start a conversation about Deb, or how Dave was always chasing her. But when he got to the casket's side, he didn't move. Dave's gaze was all over the place; he breathed hard and couldn't look at Carter's body for too long. "Hey, Carter," Dave said, tears rolling in a consistent river of grief. "I was... I was thinking, you know. Save an angel for me, man."   
  
"He would, you know." A hand touched his. It was Deb. Dave wasn't in the mood for showing how manly he was anymore, grasping the side of the casket. "He would." Deb and Dave stood, both faces red and in complete sadness.  
  
  
The room was empty except for family. The man approached the casket, carrying a small, white bundle. Dr. Benton looked at Carter. This was his student... his own work. The two had been through thick and thin, during and off of work. This was the same boy Benton had taught to suture, to cut... and Carter had even done it on Benton himself. Remembrance of the operation Benton had to have on his apendix sprung tears to life in his eyes. Benton touched Carter's hand, and looked to his face, as if carrying a conversation. "Hey, man. I know I was hard to you in the beginning ... you came so far Carter." He paused, and put the white cloth he had been carrying in the casket. "You helped so many people, Carter. You really did." He folded the cloth so that the words "John Carter, MD" on the labcoat were in the front. "You helped me... I'm just sorry..." Benton wiped his eyes from the certainty of oncoming tears. "I'm just sorry I couldn't help you when you needed it." Benton kissed Carter's cheek, and then left the parlor.  
  
_A few weeks after the later..._  
  
Johnathan Truman Carter. The words were engraved in Lucy's heart like they were on the gravestone. What if she had gone? Why hadn't she been chosen? If she had only stopped bothering Carter with Paul Sobreki, he wouldn't have gone in the room. He wouldn't have suffered, and then everything would've been okay. Not knowing what to do next, Lucy dropped the crutches in her hands, and fell to the ground. She put a hand on the gravestone. "It wasn't meant for you, Carter. You don't deserve this." Lucy brushed the stone lightly with her hands and then collapsed in a cry of sorrow and mourning. After awhile, when Lucy had cried the good cry that she so badly had needed to, she just lay there, ear to the ground, stroking the earth around John's grave, as if she was listening to the beating of his heart. What Lucy couldn't see was a man dressed all in white, stroking her hair and smiling.   
  
"Lucy..." the man whispered. "It wasn't meant for you either. This world wasn't meant for you. If I could only make you understand..."   
  
Although Lucy couldn't see the Carter, she seemed to be more at peace. She grabbed for the crutches and pushed herself up. Looking at the stone one more time, Lucy let out one last cry. "I'm going to miss you, John Carter..." She blinked out more tears. Steadfast staring let to a long pause, and a moment of silence. "Don't forget spring, Carter. Think of the roses." She turned her head to the ground, limping off down the hill, and past the other headstones, until she was out of sight and far away from Carter's spot.  
  
Carter watched Lucy go, wondering what had made them both hate and love in the first place. Maybe it wasn't the patients, or the difference in character. Maybe it wasn't the working conditions, or the fact that Lucy couldn't stand having a man hold a higher position above her that wasn't a complete overachiever like she was. Maybe it wasn't even the fact that they liked to irritate each other. But one day they had started something with each other that would never be finished, and as much as they both wanted to go back and edit the things they said or did, time wouldn't stop what they hadn't meant to start. Unfortunately, neither could Carter.


	2. Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I don't claim to own these people, bla bla bla, NBC does, I'm cool with that. This is the second part of a three part series on what could've happened in the ER on February 14, 2000, after the horrible incident. If you think this is a little stupid, you'll just have to read the next part until you will really know if it's stupid or not. ;) Please review!  
  
Title: Shadow of John Carter  
Rated: PG  
By Lindy  
  
  
  
It had been awhile since Carter had died. Lucy's stab wounds were almost healed, except for the thick, reddish-pink line going down the middle of her chest. All remains of the accident had vanished, and it seemed like no one even remembered John Carter. But Lucy did. And she always would.   
  
Of the few things that got to her, one was Carter's grave. It was hard to go there, hard to think about. Lucy had never been great at philosophizing with death, but his site was the only place she could go to feel close to him. She wasn't in love with him, but he had been a good teacher... and friend... and lover... but the hospital staff never talked about him. Lucy supposed they didn't want to hurt her, or to make her think about the incident. Maybe they just didn't want to think about him themselves. But that wasn't fair! He had been such a part of their lives, of everyone's life who walked into that hospital, looking for care. New people seemed to take his place from time to time. Like Dr. Malucci, and Deb. How could they let him just be replaced? How? It wasn't possible!...  
  
"Lucy?" Dr. Weaver interrupted her train of thought. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"No." Lucy quickly retorted. She wasn't in the mood for a talk. Especially from Dr. Weaver. "It's fine."  
  
Dr. Weaver looked her over. Lucy had always felt she was constantly being judged. Just once, *just once* could they leave her alone to think? If they worried about her so much, they should have let her heal. Besides, she was still alive, wasn't she? Carter was the one who was dead. Maybe, just once, they should think about him... in that coffin...  
  
Lucy shook the thoughts from her head, frustrated that they had entered her mind once more.  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?" Kerry Weaver asked again.  
  
"Listen!" Lucy got up from her chair. "Can everybody just leave me alone and stop expecting a reaction from me! I'm alive, okay? Is everyone happy now?" Lucy turned and looked at everyone passing by. A few of the doctors she knew, others she didn't, some were patients and nurses, but she didn't care. Lucy turned back to Dr. Weaver, but everyone had mostly come to a halt. "Carter's the one that's gone, and you all seem to have recognized that fact pretty well. Now leave me alone about it." Lucy grabbed the medical book that she had been reading, and left with a jolt to the door. Kerry Weaver watched her go, for once, not knowing what to say or do.  
  
  
  
Lucy slipped into the exam room. Had anyone seen her come? She hoped not. Lucy sighed, and threw the book down on a table. She was tired of studying. She'd taken all of the tests, and she was graduating medical school in less than a month. Not knowing how she had ever pulled it off without Carter around, she thought about her graduation. Lucy had always pictured it as such a big type party, with her parents in the front row, cheering as she got her diploma, and Dr. Carter off to the side, smiling and clapping slowly. "Guess this is one party you aren't gonna make it to, Dr. Carter..." Lucy could feel the burn in her eyes, but she was tired of crying about it. After all, wasn't it over? After four months, couldn't the pain just leave?  
  
"Lucy?" Kerry Weaver stood in the doorway. "Got a minute?"  
  
Lucy quickly let the tears fade away, and turned to Dr. Weaver, dry-eyed. "Depends on what you want." She said confidently.  
  
Silence passed. "Lucy, we haven't forgotten about Carter," Dr. Weaver said after a moment.  
  
"Okay, great." Lucy looked up at her with fierce blue eyes. "Then why doesn't anyone talk about him? Or even look like they remember who he was?"  
  
"Lucy, it's not that easy to explain," Kerry said, stepping into the room. "It's more complicated than just mentioning his name, or talking about the accident."  
  
"Oh, that's real clear," Lucy said sarcastically.  
  
Dr. Weaver looked at Lucy. "Carter was very much a part of our lives here. We haven't forgotten him... we're just handling it differently." Dr. Weaver said.  
  
"It's a different way to handle things, isn't it, Dr. Weaver? Pretending he was never around, yeah... I should tell my future psych patients that." Lucy glared with violent anger in her eyes.  
  
"Lucy, sometimes you just don't notice. Carter was always around... it still seems like he's always around."  
  
"How can you tell?" Lucy said, a lump in her throat burning its way into her eyes. "You people have replaced him! Dr. Malucci, Dr. Kovac, Deb... He used to be there, you know! He was here, and..." Lucy struggled for the right words. "And you gave away his place. You act like he isn't here!"  
  
Dr. Weaver looked at Lucy with a sharp tone, but spoke comfortingly nonetheless. "Carter's gone, Lucy. He's not coming back."   
  
Lucy felt a pain inside her chest, as blank air made it's way out of her mouth in a sob of realization. "He's not gone!" Lucy cried. "He's still there, I saw him!" Tears streamed down Lucy's face, and her voice was lost in awkward cracking and cries. She stumbled upward, and Dr. Weaver hugged her, soothing her hair. "He's still here... I saw his grave, I did." And finally, after months of putting it off, Lucy came face to face with the realization that her friend, John Carter, would never come back. And she would never see him again.  
  
  
  
She parked her car at the bottom and walked up. Sometimes it was easier that way, like she was going to meet him somewhere. Lucy picked up the few roses that she had brought with her, and made the gentle climb up the hill. Spring was nice. It was a lot different than it had been in the winter though. The cemetery had been covered in white, fluffy snow, and the red roses adorned his grave with a clash of dignity. It was almost as if he were just sleeping...  
  
Lucy could see it from where she stood now. She sighed. It was weird being alone again. No one ever seemed to leave her alone... but she had come to Carter's graveside a lot since he had died. It seemed scary after she left, like she had done something wrong to him. But she knew in her mind Carter wouldn't think it that way. On nice days she would come up to his grave and do her charts and patient case reviews. Even though she was alone, Lucy felt like she had company.   
  
Lucy placed the flowers beside the grave. John Truman Carter,   
  
Lucy curled up, head on her knees, and cried. She felt okay about it, and besides, did she ever need to let out a good cry. Not moving, she just sobbed.  
  
"Lucy, don't cry." Lucy gasped and looked up. Was that?... no. But still, it had sounded so much like him... No, that was stupid. The thought of it made her cry of frustration, and how tired she was of this charade type problem.  
  
"Please, Lucy, don't cry." This time she felt something touch her shoulder. Shivers ran down her spine. She lifted her head up in an immediate reaction. Was someone playing a joke on her? Whoever it was, this wasn't funny.   
  
She turned her head fiercely, ready to meet the joker head on. As she did, she came face to face with the man she hadn't seen in so long. Lucy skidded backwards, crawling. "It.. you... it can't be."  
  
John Carter looked into her eyes. "It's me, Lucy. Believe it." 


	3. Here's to You Carter

Title: Shadow of John Carter, part three: Here's To You, Carter  
Author: Lindy  
Note: If you think it's over after this part... you're wrong... *g* Please leave feedback, I need to know if I should continue.  
  
  
  
"But... but, it can't be..." Lucy started, feeling sick all of a sudden. She looked into the eyes of the man who taught her most of what she knew about medicine. Her mind suddenly was filled with only two things: Carter's funeral, and his grave. Weren't those two pretty heavy facts?   
  
Suddenly, she was putting it all together. "Carter, you're alive!" Lucy sprung to her feet. The staff must have played a joke on her! She knew later she would be mad, but right now she didn't care. She had John Carter back, and that was all that mattered.  
  
"No, Lucy. I'm very much dead." Carter gave her a crooked smile.   
  
Lucy's mind drew a blank. But he was here! He had to be alive! "But I can see you..." Lucy put a hand to Carter's face, not even weary. "And I can touch you..." His skin was soft and smooth, and she knew he was there. "That just doesn't make any sense!" Lucy buzzed, almost dizzy from what was going on.   
  
"I'm dead, Lucy. Believe me, if it's one thing I know, it's that I'm dead." Carter sat down on the grass, leaning against his gravestone.  
  
Swiftly, Lucy sat down beside him. "And you're just okay with this?" She still didn't understand, and Carter wasn't helping.  
  
"Doesn't look like I have much choice in the matter, does it, Lucy?" He laughed softly, and looked at her. "You look well, though," Carter said, almost with a smirk.  
  
"John Carter, you're not answering me on purpose!" Lucy turned to face him. "How come you're dead and I can see you?"   
  
"I can't tell you," Carter said, and looked at her. "You'll find out soon enough, though." Lucy opened her mouth to say something, but Carter covered it with his hand. "Listen, I just got here... let's not fight just yet." He smiled his signature grin. Lucy felt shivers again.  
  
"Well... well... fine!" For once, Lucy didn't know what to say to him. Both still looking at each other, a moment of silence passed. "So... souls can just come back?"  
  
"Lucy!"  
  
"Alright, alright. I won't ask." She folded her arms and scooted a little closer to him. Rarely taking her eyes off him, the two sat together in quiet for a while.   
  
Carter spoke. "How's things at the hospital?"  
  
Lucy rolled her eyes. "It's more or less Hell in a box." Carter shook his head, grinning. Lucy smiled softly for a moment. "I..." Lucy felt her voice crack from the seemingly spontaneous emotions. She cleared it, and waited before she spoke again. "I don't like it anymore. Not like I used to." Lucy looked at him, squinting from the sunlight. "It doesn't mean much to me..."  
  
"Because of the accident?" Carter asked after a moment, not making eye contact with her.  
  
Lucy was hesitant, but nodded. She looked at John. He was definitely there... but he wasn't at the same time. Obviously, he had changed. He was dead, and that was a reasonable cause to assess the statement. But Lucy could see that what the murder had done had definitely changed him. It was an unspoken change of the mind. Carter still acted and spoke the same... but things weren't the same. She didn't feel like arguing with him, or going through small talk. After all, he had just gotten here. If he couldn't tell her why she could see him, yet he was still dead... didn't she deserve some kind of an explanation?  
  
"What's it feel like to die?" Lucy asked abrupting the moment.  
  
Carter turned to her, in an amused shock. "What?" He asked, laughing.  
  
"I watch people die in hospital beds and on gurneys everyday. I've felt pain. But I don't know what it feels like to die... what it means to die." Lucy looked at his eyes. "What does death feel like?"  
  
Lucy suddenly realized what had changed Carter: death. Not just being dead, it was death. Carter was separated in the form of death... but he was connected in the same way. It was odd...  
  
Carter took a moment, thinking to himself, and also to get serious. "It's like... you're lying there. All you feel is heaviness and a stick of pain, right around where he stabbed me..." Carter made a reference to his stab wounds. They were bad... Lucy knew that. "And then, I looked over at you, you were lying on the table. I couldn't tell if you were alive or not, but all I saw was you." Carter looked over at Lucy, staring into her bright blue eyes. "And the light in the room faded into black, and then into light. I could still hear the voices of the people working around me, but the light kept getting brighter."  
  
John paused, thinking again. "And then it was just like someone had dumped me out of my body. But I could move, you know? And I felt a lot lighter, and I was still me." Carter put a hand to his chest. "And then I realized I had died."  
  
"Were you in Heaven?" Lucy asked eagerly.  
  
Carter took a moment, looking at Lucy's face. His head faded into a nod, and he shook his head. "It was unreal, Lucy. Just... incredibly..." Carter searched for the word. "Good...." He smiled at Lucy.  
  
Lucy felt almost bitter. Here she was, feeling guilt stricken and shameful about Carter's death, and he's having the time of his existence. Lucy rubbed her nose, looking away from Carter.   
  
Carter looked at her. "Lucy?" He asked. She turned her head slightly, but wouldn't look at him. "Lucy... I had to go. I never would've recovered from stab wounds like those." He held out his hands. "They would've followed me the rest of my life. I probably would've died on a ventilator at the age of 85, after fifty years of kidney failure and liver failure..." Lucy finally turned to look at him. She once more looked him over, and nodded, but was still upset.  
  
There was more silence. Carter put a piece of her hair behind her ear. "What's wrong, Lucy?"  
  
Lucy looked at him. Without making too much of a fuss, she grabbed the collar of her shirt, and pulled it down a few inches, revealing the hideous marks left behind by the sternal saw. "And there's two more on my back, and one on my abdomen." Lucy once more felt the sting of tears in her eyes, and the frustrating lump in her throat.  
  
Carter's eyes were wide. He hadn't realized, or even thought about it. All he figured was that Lucy had her life left to live. He had never thought of the scars... those scars that would never go away...  
  
Slowly he put his hand to the wound, gently touching it, as if he were trying to soothe something that wasn't soothable. Carter looked up at Lucy's face, then blinked a tear out. It strolled down his cheek, and Lucy put her hand up to his eye, brushing it away. Carter pulled her into a hug, and the two sat there in quiet, looking out on the world from the hill of the cemetery.  
  
  
  
"Anyone seen Lucy?" Luka Kovac came into the ER. "I got a call from the psych ward, they said she canceled her match."  
  
"What?" Kerry Weaver looked up from signing charts. "You're joking?"  
  
"No, it says so right here." Luka picked up the memo. "I thought she was excited about doing psych?"  
  
"She was. Until Paul Sobreki." Kerry took the memo from Luka and walked to the lounge. Why would Lucy cancel her psych internship, right before graduation? It was less than one month away. Something had to give... Or maybe Lucy wasn't interested in medicine anymore, period....  
  
"Lucy?" Kerry looked at the blonde sitting at the table, drinking her morning tea.  
  
"Hello, Dr. Weaver," Lucy said, smiling. Kerry Weaver stopped in her tracks. Something had changed in Lucy since the last time they had spoke. She was... happy.  
  
"Lucy, you canceled your psych internship. Is that correct?"  
  
"Yes." Lucy nodded, eyeing the memo in Dr. Weaver's hand.  
  
"This is from psych." Kerry handed it to her. "They want to know if you'll reconsider it."  
  
Lucy read the memo carefully. "Nope. I changed my mind."  
  
"You don't want to go into medicine at all?" Dr. Weaver asked, almost deadpan.  
  
"No, just not psych." Lucy stood up. "I want to change. To emergency medicine and trauma."  
  
Kerry wasn't going to question Lucy. She loved psych! Heck, that was all she read about. Many a time Kerry had to pull Lucy out of the lounge to remind her that she was no longer on her psych rotation. Lucy had maintained such a passion of the mind... but now...   
  
"I think it's what Dr. Carter would've wanted." Lucy smiled as she said it, fully meaning it in every way.  
  
Dr. Weaver looked at the ground, a smile immediately springing to her face. That was the Lucy she knew and loved, the caring one. She had worked so hard for psych... and Carter would've been proud of her no matter where she went, whether it was psych, or OB, or orthodontics. But surely Lucy knew that?  
  
"You know, Lucy... Carter would be proud of you wherever you went?"  
  
Lucy nodded, still thinking of the time she spent with him on the hill. "Yeah... but I don't have a passion for psych. I'm not a baby-sitter for the mind anymore." Lucy shone. "I want to do something that gives on the spot care. So... I'm changing to trauma."  
  
Dr. Weaver nodded. "Well, we'd love to have you aboard." She turned slowly to go. As she reached the door, she turned around. "Lucy?"  
  
"Yeah Dr. Weaver?"  
  
"It's good to have you back." Dr. Weaver left, smiling to herself.  
  
Lucy smiled, watching Dr. Weaver go. She was glad that she still had a place at Cook County, and she was happy to be back at the heart of it all. Raising her glass of tea, she lifted it up and smiled, eyes shining. "Here's to you, Carter."  



	4. All These Things You've Shown Me

Title: Shadow of John Carter: All These Things You've Shown Me  
Author: Lindy  
Rated: G  
  
"Pomp and Circumstance": the undismissable hymn carried its weight proudly as Lucy Knight looked out at the crowd. *I'm finally here...* she thought to herself. It was a good thing too; for a long time she didn't think she'd make it.  
  
"Jessica Elise Kevins." The crowd clapped as a girl in Lucy's line went up and accepted her award. Lucy searched the crowd, looking for any faces that she might know. As she did, she thought about her journey, the perilous one, the one that had taken her so very long to overcome. Had the events in the past month not happened, Lucy wasn't sure that she would be this happy about graduating. The accident would have destroyed all feelings of lighthearted cheer, joy, and excitement with its dampening sorrow.   
  
But now, Carter had shed new light on to things. He wasn't dead after all!... well... sort of... but Lucy had already debated that in her head, and let herself succumb to an indecisive conclusion. Lucy smiled at Dave, and there was Haleh beside him! Oh, it was certainly wonderful to have her friends and *co-workers* there... Ah, that had a nice ring...  
  
"Laura Jean Klamp," Lucy watched the girl beside her grin, and she watched her walk up, her gown flowing as she went. That was the thing about the gowns, Lucy would have to let the scar on her left neck be seen. It was better that way; everyone knew anyhow... this was sort of a reminder. A reminder to never forget, a reminder of all past problems, and all future things to come. She thought of these as she then pointed out Drs. Greene, Kovac, and sitting beside them was Dr. Benton. He had decided to show up after all! Most surgical residents would have nothing to do with their medical students...  
  
"Lucille Elizabeth Knight," Her head snapped back as she heard her name. She flashed a quick grin to the last group, smiling at her zealous mother who was now adorned in tears. Lucy's jaw quivered slightly, her mother had been to every one of her graduations. Still... no sign of ever getting rid of the water works...  
  
She stepped up to the podium, taking the diploma, when someone standing in the corner caught her eye. "Carter..." she uttered, a smile smothered her face as tears of her own fled to her eyes. The Dean looked at her, smiling, obviously unwanting to damage her moment, but gave an odd look to the direction Lucy was staring at.  
  
Carter leaned against the wall to the side of the auditorium, arms folding, and smiling back at Lucy. "You did it..." he mouthed to her silently. His smile got wider, and he brought his hands from his side to his mouth and cupped them. "You did it, Lucy!" He shouted over the somewhat loud cheers and clapping of the crowd. No one heard but Lucy, and no one else had to. Tears rolled down her cheek, and she didn't take her eyes off of him as she walked back to her position in line. All through the rest of the ceremony Lucy stayed focused on that one man on the side, the man that had helped her to believe again, and make every hope in her that had deteriorated to nothing more than a hateful wish come alive with passion and dreams of great proportion. John Carter might be dead to everyone else, but he would never be dead to Lucy. Never.  
  
  
Fall hit like a storm upon the cemetery. Everywhere could be heard the last minute calls of sparrows, bringing it in for the upcoming weather. The trees glistened with colors of gold, greens, and burgundies, as they slowly made their way upon the earth.  
  
"Won't be much longer now, will it?" Lucy said, her heart lifting as the breezy fall air hit her.   
  
"Nope," he said, leaning against his tombstone. Carter lit a cigarette, cupping his hand to the flame. Lucy gave him a look as he did it. "What?" he asked, taking it out of his mouth.  
  
She shook her head, slightly rolling her eyes as she focused on the cars that moved along the highway far below them. Lucy had grown fond of sitting up on that hillside, watching the slope of the hill send leaving tumbling down, watching the sun diminish into a glowing sea of orange. "Do you have to?" Lucy asked, looking at Carter.  
  
He shrugged, blowing the cigarette smoke out. "I'm dead, Lucy, it's not gonna hurt me, or you for that matter. It's just one cigarette anyway."  
  
"No, that's not what I mean." She looked at him, knowing that he knew what she meant.  
  
He looked off, smashing the cigarette lightly on to the frame of the tombstone. There was silence while he gathered his thoughts, moving around only a little, until he was finally comfortable. Carter waited another minute before speaking, taking a silently large breath. "Yeah, I do. I have to go." He let the rest of the air out, almost in an exasperated sigh, the rest of the smoke from the cigarette floating away.  
  
Lucy had already known the answer. Someone else was running the show, not Carter, and that scared Lucy a little. After all, that meant there was a God... it sort of scared her to think that he had personally sent Carter. Of course, had she asked Carter who had sent him, he would've given the typical male reply of honor, dignity, and valor... something Carter didn't have much of. Lucy smiled at her sarcastic thoughts.  
  
Carter watched her expression change from disappointment to contentment. "Well, don't look so happy about it!" he said, raising his eyebrows to the effect and turning his head away, only half-joking.  
  
"No, it wasn't that," Lucy said, letting a laugh out as she said it. "I was just thinking about you."  
  
"That funny, huh?" Carter grinned sheepishly.  
  
Lucy rolled her eyes. "It's just that.." she let her hand fall to her thies as she stretched her legs out on the grass, leaning against his stone now too. She crossed her legs, thinking of the right words. "All those times, we were always fighting, or arguing.." her voice trailed off for a moment. "No matter how right I was, you just couldn't admit the fact that you were wrong..."  
  
"I was wrong?" Carter perked up. "It's the other way around, Lucy Knight, and don't you forget it!" He poked her in the side, laughing his signature giggle.  
  
Lucy laughed, batting his hand away and looking at the ground. "Even now, it still feels the same." Her eyes drifted up to his. "But it's not."   
  
"Why?" He asked, the grin fading back to a soft smile. "Because I'm dead?"  
  
Lucy didn't speak, she just thought to herself for a moment, thinking. "Because of everything, I guess. And now you really have to go... and I guess I'm afraid that you'll be dead all over again." She shrugged, looking down at her hands while playing with her fingers. "I'm afraid that I'll go back to being miserable all over again."  
  
"Don't say that, Lucy..." Carter turned to face her, so that his body was at an angle. "Look at what you've done, look at me!" He waited for her to turn, but she didn't. "I'm okay, I'm fine."  
  
"You're dead, Carter. How fine is that?"  
  
"Well, that's not your fault."  
  
"Carter, I know. But that's not the point. I meant... I meant that I missed what we have right now." She motioned to the space between them, as she now looked him in the eye. "I missed that brother-sister bickering that we had. Even the real fights."  
  
Carter chuckled softly, staring off at the ground. "You're not the only one whose going to miss them..." He said softly, in a deeper tone.  
  
Lucy's smile largened as she realized that although Carter was gone, he was still the same in all the same ways he had been before. They were still the same.. "We're not going to lose that, are we?" she asked rhetorically.  
  
Carter looked up, grinning as he shook his head. "Never." Lucy smiled, resuming her appreciation for the season that was oncoming. "And about the thing... in the X-ray room..."  
  
"Hey, don't even bring that up!" Lucy smacked him on the shoulder.   
  
"Believe me, I don't *want* to remember it, it was such a painful experience for me, but you know... that scar from when you bit me, it's still there..." he pulled down the red shirt he had on under his jacket.  
  
Lucy rolled her eyes as she saw the red spot. "Well, there are some things you can't escape even in death, John Carter." She waited a moment, gathering what he had just said to her. "A painful experience?!" Lucy took a double take on his words as Carter collapsed in laughter. What they didn't realize was that they were being watched closely, and from a far distance, as another friend watched one of them in sheer amazement and terror.  
  
  



	5. Left Behind

**Note** If you read part four beofre 10/7, I've edited it so that now there's a new paragraph at the end. It's a conversation between Carter and Lucy, and they are being watched by someone who is revealed in this part.  
  
Title: Shadow of John Carter 5: Left Behind Unseen  
Author: Lindy  
Rated: G  
  
  
"Dr. Weaver?" A knock came to her office. Kerry Weaver looked up from her work, narrowly looking down at the intruder.  
  
"Peter. Can I help you with something?" She set her pencil down and straightened up.  
  
Peter Benton slowly entered the room. "Yeah, actually.." His voice trailed off as he got closer. "It's... about Lucy."  
  
"Dr. Knight?" Kerry corrected the title. "What about her?"  
  
Peter hadn't wanted to say. If he did... he knew it would put Lucy at risk. Maybe he hadn't seen anything. Nothing at all. Everyone had issues, right? Everyone had a different way of dealing with their problems. Lucy was no exception.  
  
"Peter?" Kerry asked. "If you think something is wrong-"  
  
"I went to Carter's grave last night," Peter interrupted, looking all the time at the surface of Kerry's desk. He felt wrong telling Weaver, but he was worried. And he wasn't willing to take those risks anymore. "And Lucy was sitting there. And she was talking to Carter."  
  
Kerry Weaver looked at Peter for a moment, folding her arms. "Well... we're all dealing in different ways, I know it's been awhile since he died, but it was hard for her, especially-"  
  
"No, that's not what I mean," Peter said, shifting his weight and dangling his arms nervously. Peter Benton was never nervous, and he never ratted out a coworker... "She was... leaning against his stone. Talking to the air around her... like it was him... she carried a conversation..." Peter swallowed. "Lucy believed he was there." The images were returning; the sweet, innocent blonde-haired girl who had just succeeded at something in this world, and she was basing all of her confidences on delusions...  
  
Kerry blinked back in disbelief. It didn't make sense; then again it did. Lucy had just flown back to reality, back to her old life, the way it was before the accident, in a matter of hours. "Are you saying she's creating illusions of John, Peter?"  
  
Peter Benton shrugged almost instantly. "I don't know. I was just worried." He turned his head, looking at the floor. "I have to go.. I'll..." He looked back at Kerry as he reached the door. "Maybe I was just imagining it, I..." his voice trailed off as he parted from her office, leaving Kerry Weaver alone.   
  
And alone Kerry wondered if Peter's imagination wasn't something real....  
  
  
  
"Lucy?" Lucy Knight looked up from her chart reviews.   
  
"Hey, Dr. Weaver. Can I help you with something?" Lucy set down her pen, leaning back to face the red-haired doc.  
  
"Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about. Could we speak in my office?" Weaver spoke lightly motioning to the room across the hall.  
  
"Sure." Lucy stacked her charts together, standing up slowly. She watched Dr. Weaver turn and go into her room, not hesitating to see if Lucy would follow. Lucy wondered what was wrong. Perhaps a patient complaint? No, they would've said something to her before she discharged one. Lucy moved heavily around the desk she had been sitting at, then slowed her pace again as she reached the office. Maybe she had screwed something up? Oh, shoot.. maybe she hadn't shut something, or left something on... No, Weaver would've said something in a fit of rage, not this discussion in her office...  
  
"You can sit down." Weaver motioned to a chair in front of her desk.  
  
"I'd rather stand, actually," Lucy said, in the hopes that this would be both short, and the fact that she had worked herself up more than this required.  
  
Kerry nodded after a long look at Lucy. "This is about Carter."  
  
Carter?... Lucy took the initiative to sit down at that moment. What exactly did that mean? "What's wrong with Carter?" she asked, in complete wonderment.  
  
"One of the doctors..." Kerry changed her mind. "Lucy, you've been dealing with this whole Carter incident, right?"  
  
Lucy didn't like the tone Dr. Weaver used, but she didn't feel the need to say so. "Yeah, I've already dealt with it. A while ago... why?"  
  
"It's just... well, we didn't want anything to hurt you. Or... cause you to think things you normally wouldn't." Kerry sat down behind her desk as well, facing Lucy with a look in her eye that Lucy hadn't seen there ever.  
  
"Think things?" Lucy didn't move. "What do you mean?"  
  
"We didn't want this to disturb you in anyway."  
  
Disturb her? Where was all of this coming from?... "I'm not disturbed-" Lucy started, then something snapped to her mind. What if someone had seen her at Carter's grave? She was pretty sure no one could see him. After all, he had been at her graduation, and no one confessed to seeing him there. Lucy mentally kicked herself, she knew she should have thought of this privacy issue sooner. "I'm not disturbed at all. Carter died awhile ago, really, I'm okay." This time she ended more confidently.  
  
Kerry looked at her a moment. "Alright. I just wanted to double check. I don't question your mental abilities, Lucy. You know that." Lucy nodded, standing up. "You can go back to your chart reviews now," Kerry said, picking a pen up and leaning over her own.  
  
"Okay... thanks." Lucy watched for a moment, then turned to leave, shutting the door silently behind her. She felt almost as if she had been doing something wrong, like she had been sneaking around with Carter this entire time. That was stupid; Lucy knew she wasn't at fault for anything. Still.. it irked her that someone might know something that they didn't understand in the first place...  
  
  
  
The car pulled up. Lucy looked out her window from the passenger's side, not wanting to have to face the driver. The fall leaves were beautiful colors; it was as if a watercolor painting had dripped itself all over the hillside. She breathed slowly, pressing her forehead against the window to let the coldness touch her.   
  
"Lucy?" the familiar voice came from beside her, but she didn't want to have to turn to face it. She looked down on the cemetery below. The car was parked along a dirt road that led down to it, covered in a wood of hemlocks and oaks that stopped a little further down. Droplets of sun sunk through the leaves of the trees, causing the ground to look like a stained glass window.  
  
The voice beside her sighed, and she could hear him lean his head back. "Stay, Carter." Lucy said firmly, turning to face it slowly. "You don't have to go."  
  
Carter turned to her. "You know I have to," he said softly. Lucy shook her head, staring off for a moment. "I did what I came to do. And I have to go back now." There was a moment of silence between the two people. "You'll be okay," he said confidently, gaining her attention once more.   
  
Lucy looked him over, studying him. She knew that this would be the last time she would see him for a very long time, and she wanted the memory of him forever stained in her mind. "I don't..." she started, but the rest of her sentence faded into a mumble as the tears came. Lucy leaned her head back against the headrest of the seat, sobbing even more as Carter placed his forehead against hers.   
  
"I know..." he whispered, wiping a few of the tears away. "I know, Lucy... It's okay.." After a moment the tears stopped, but the traces were still there, and the longing look in Lucy's eye never left.   
  
"You taught me everything I know, John Carter," she whispered, looking into his eyes as their foreheads warmly met again. She let hers part his slowly. "I'll always remember everything."   
  
Carter nodded, swallowing himself. He realized that this moment would be coming, ever since he had come back those many weeks ago, but it was still hard, even in death, to say good-bye to Lucy. "You do good..." he whispered, knowing his voice would crack if he even mustered himself up enough courage to speak again. "Promise me one thing," he said, looking at her with fierce emotion in his eyes.  
  
"What?" Lucy said through tears, jumping at the sound of a promise.  
  
"Don't learn from my death, Lucy... learn from my life..." He matted her hair back to her head, feeling the tears coming on hard. It scared Lucy to see Carter cry like this, but she understood. "Don't take anyone for granted, not anyone," he spoke almost spurning himself, "like the way I took you for granted...."  
  
"No you didn't..." she whispered through sharp, quick sobs. "You didn't."  
  
"Just promise me you'll live in the moment of life. Always." Carter's hands shook as he brought Lucy into a hug, not wanting to let go of this moment. Heaven seemed so close, so impending, he could feel the clock of time he had left ticking away slowly as he held Lucy.  
  
"Then promise me you'll always be watching," she said, crying into his shoulder and smoothing down his hair.  
  
"Just like you... you always wanted a compromise..." Lucy let a desperate combination of a sob and a laugh pass her lips as he heart leapt in her chest over and over again. "I promise," Carter declared with over amounting sincerity lighting up Lucy's face. He pulled away to face her.  
  
"I promise, too." Her jaw quivered. Carter leaned forward, laying a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Don't go..." she mouthed one last time, as he turned and opened the car door, quickly getting out. Carter knew that if he didn't force himself, he would never be able to get out of that car.   
  
Stopping one last time before he shut the door, Carter bent down, peering back in to behold Lucy's figure once more before stepping off. "You're a great doctor, Lucy. But you're a better friend." The last of the tears rolled down their cheeks as he looked at her one last time before shutting the door. "Goodbye.." Carter uttered.  
  
As Carter walked around the car, he wiped the tears from his eyes, drying his face. The wind flooded his skin, drying his moistened cheeks quickly. About twenty feet from the car, on Lucy's side, just slightly off of the road by an oak, he turned to face her, putting his hands in his pockets, and waiting.  
  
"Bye..." she whispered under her breath. Lucy watched him the entire time, taking it in once more, for the final time through her window. The sun came for a moment, coming through the clouds of the blustery day, and the glare of it on the window blocked her view of Carter. Then she saw it; his translucent reflection in her window, blinking back at her. Where was it coming from? The driver's seat? Maybe he had decided to stay!  
  
She turned, but instead faced an empty seat, as the shadows came back slowly, the sun fading through the window. Lucy gasped softly, turning to face the window and look out toward Carter. In the spot where Carter had been lay the remnants of fall's leaves, gracing the slowly dying grass of the hill. Lucy got out of the car, stepping out slowly to look around. A slight breeze passed through her hair, over her body.   
  
For that moment, it felt like Carter had never been there, and that Lucy had woken up from a dream. She looked around her again. It didn't seem weird, bad, or good either, but it seemed like reality had dawned in these shadows where Carter had just been, and suddenly their conversation in the car seemed like ages ago.   
  
The air around Lucy stood still as she wondered these thoughts. The sweet smell of fall apples filled her nose then as she looked up to an apple tree. She hadn't noticed it before, but it was there now, and she cleared her throat and her nose as she looked upon the apples that lay upon the ground.   
  
Lucy knew that living without Carter would take some getting used to. She let a sob-filled sigh escape her as a wind sent shivers down her spine.  
  
"Lucy..." she heard as the wind hit her ears. Lucy closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She felt like she was absorbing something more than just the sweet smell of the apples lying next to her. Lucy felt like she was taking in a part of her past that she would never see again. Someone she would never see again. Lucy opened her eyes to the long and winding road before her that led down to the cemetery, knowing that it was just her now. She was on her own.  
  
  



	6. Hear No Evil, Feel No Pain

Shadow of John Carter: Hear No Evil, Feel No Pain  
By Lindy  
  
**Note: it's not over yet... *g*   
  
Lucy Knight walked down the long corridors of the ER halls. She had felt unusually alone these past few days, and sometimes it became a chore to focus on her work. Sometimes she would sit alone, in a dark exam room, and run through in her mind conversations she had had with Carter at the cemetery, word for word if she could remember it all, although most of the time she strained to remember almost all of them.   
  
Lucy sighed roughly, sitting down again in an exam room. She was so tired, worn out by mental exhaustion, and the fact that if she had just diagnosed Paul Sobreki earlier, this entire chain of events would never have occurred, although she wasn't running by on a guilty conscience. Lucy knew all things here happened for a reason, but the point still bothered her to some extent. She knew it always would.  
  
"Lucy?"   
  
Lucy jumped, startled by the voice. "Dr. Weaver..." She caught her breath, smiling through the dark at her own childishness.  
  
"Dr. Benton says you've been spending a lot of time at the cemetery lately." Lucy's smile immediately vanished. What a way to make an entrance... "We're worried about you, Lucy. He says you've been carrying on conversations between you and John when no one else is there." Kerry folded her arms through the shadows that had crept in by lingering light of the hallway.  
  
Lucy swallowed softly, clearing her throat even more so. "He said that, huh?" she said meekly, looking at the tile floor rather than at Dr. Weaver.  
  
"Yes. He also said that you drove your car to the top of the hill yesterday, from the passenger's seat." Kerry stopped, showing her concern through her voice. "And that you got very emotional when something in your conversations happened." Kerry studied Lucy's body language very closely. "Lucy, if something is wrong... if you're emotionally upset about Carter in anyway, we'll understand, please.. just tell us..."  
  
"It's not about Carter," Lucy blurted out. Shoot! Immediately Lucy knew she shouldn't have said anything at all. "I'm not emotional. I don't know what Dr. Benton thought he saw, but whatever it was, I'm sure he didn't misunderstood it." It was true, Lucy hadn't lied. Dr. Benton couldn't have understood. Not at all, there was no way possible.  
  
"Lucy... if you drove to the top of the cemetery from the passenger's seat..." Lucy's eyes snapped up to Dr. Weaver's. There was a tone of desperacy in Kerry's voice that hadn't existed before, and it struck something in Lucy's mind.  
  
"I didn't drive to the top of the hill!" Lucy's voice got louder. There was a long moment of silence while Lucy watched Dr. Weaver evaluate the conversation. She could almost hear the deliberation going on inside Kerry Weaver's mind. Lucy's maintained the scowl on her face.  
  
"If you need to talk..." Kerry said, her tone now indicating her withdrawal from the argument, and perhaps a retreat to the door.  
  
"I'm not crazy, Dr. Weaver," Lucy said, interrupting Kerry's drawn tone. "And you can tell Dr. Benton I said so." She passed Kerry, in a cold breeze, sending a glare in her direction until she had managed to move herself past Weaver.   
  
Lucy found herself in an exam room. The things Dr. Weaver said scared her: the more Lucy thought about them, the more she was afraid that they were true. No, that was impossible. She was a psychiatry major, and Lucy knew that the human mind was capable of many things, all built upon fear, frustration, agony, and physical pain. But none of these had influenced her mind enough to produce the past weeks. And she hadn't driven the car to the top of the hill! That was Carter, Lucy had seen him with her own eyes!...  
  
And Lucy was beginning to doubt her own eyes. Carter seemed like a lifetime ago... maybe he hadn't ever been there...  
  
  
  
The fall leaves fell like rain. Lucy had always loved them, she'd watched them aimlessly as a child. Fall was by far her favorite season: the colors, the wind rushing past her face, the cold-but-not-too-chilly weather. Sometimes she felt so content in the midst of her ease, she felt almost as if Carter was there with her, slowly pushing her along. Although Lucy still wasn't sure if she had seen Carter or not for those few weeks, she now had a deeper understanding than she had ever dreamt of before; not just an understanding on medicine, but one on life as well.   
  
Lucy trudged slowly through the leaves as they rustled under her feet. She looked up the hill, almost able to see the plot where Carter was. Not too much farther...  
  
Lucy took a deep breath; she was almost to his stone, and the little walk up the hill had been tiresome. She could feel her legs cramp as she got nearer and nearer to the stone. She breathed heavy for a moment as she reached his stone, letting her heart slowed down. She half expected Carter to come up behind her, then tease her about getting exercise.  
  
She frowned, a little disappointed that Carter wasn't there. The headstone her eyes fell upon was a reminder that he wasn't coming back. It seemed like so long ago since he had come... and now it seemed like it had never happened at all, like it was just a dream...  
  
The wind brushed over her face, and she sat down beside the stone. "I miss you, Carter," Lucy whispered, almost as if he were away on business, rather than away for all eternity. She was happy she wasn't depressed about it anymore, but it didn't compensate for the loss of a friend that she had gained for those visits up on the cemetery.   
  
Lucy's face fell again as she realized that hadn't yet told her how he had managed to come back. The memory made her half-smile. "So... souls can just come back?" she had asked for the first few visits, still plagued by the wonderment. "Lucy, I can't tell you now. You'll find out soon enough. I'll tell you." Carter had said, and then grabbed her in a headlock and screwed up her hair. Lucy smiled, the fog chilling the water in her eyes, but she didn't drop a tear. Already so many tears she had laid, and now wasn't the time to cry. It was the time for reveries.  
  
*He had to have been there...* Lucy thought to herself. *People don't just imagine those things I remember...* The thought bugged her as she dug out chart reviews from her shoulder bag. For the rest of the time that she spent up on the hill, Lucy sat ready and alert, half expecting Carter to come out of nowhere and start a conversation, or laugh at her for always having her mind in her work, or make another lame joke about himself being dead.  
  
... But he didn't....  
  
  
  
"Forty-five year-old male, went into cardiac arrest in the van. Complained of severe chest pain at the scene, and it elevated from there." The paramedic wheeled the gurney into a trauma room. "Shocked him twice, gave him one of atropine beforehand." Lucy nodded, riding right alongside it.  
  
"Alright, we'll take it from here," Kerry watched the machine. "Get me an EKG, a-"  
  
"Dr. Weaver, I've got it." Lucy nodded up at Kerry, a short glance of contempt as she jotted a few things down on a chart. Kerry gave her a condescending look, then stepped back from the gurney and slowly started to walk around the patient. "Let's get an EKG, Chem. 7, CBC, blood gas, chest film, and start him on ACLS," Lucy told the nurse. "He's stable now, but he could have an aneurysm..." Lucy looked at Dr. Weaver for a moment.  
  
"Good job," Kerry said after a minute. "You're certainly proving yourself as an intern, Dr. Knight."  
  
Lucy gave Kerry a thin smile before looking back down and signing off on the chart. "Thanks." She handed the chart to the nurse who had been scurrying about the trauma room. "But you don't have to be so worried about me." She looked at Kerry, who was staring back at her in some kind of confused emotion. "I'm fine. Really." Lucy forced a smile on her face, even though she still doubted her own sanity.   
  
Kerry waited a moment before nodding and turning past Lucy toward the door. "Okay, Lucy..." was all she said, pushing the door open and stepping out lightly on her cane. Lucy watched her go, wondering whether Dr. Weaver believed her or not. Lucy hoped that, for her own personal sake, Dr. Weaver did.  
  
"Dr. Knight?" Lucy turned to a nurse that had just entered. "We're almost out of epi, and there's a trauma coming in next door."   
  
Lucy let her arms fall in unwinding belief. "Can Mercy get it here?" she asked with an attitude in her tone.  
  
The nurse shook her head, running toward the next room. "No, but some man at the desk asked me to tell you to go get some from the clinic down the street," the nurse gave Lucy a definite look before pushing the door to trauma four open.  
  
Lucy pulled off her stethoscope, her pace quickening as she ran out of the trauma room and into the admit area. She looked around for this 'man' that the nurse spoke of, but the only person there was Jerry. "Jerry? Did you tell some nurse that I'd go get epi from the women's clinic?"  
  
Jerry looked up at Lucy, raising an eyebrow. "No... but we are out of it." Lucy looked him over one last time, just to decipher whether he was joking or not. She decided he wasn't, then nodded.  
  
"Okay, I'm going to get it now. If Dr. Weaver asks, I'll be back in five!" And with a nod from Jerry, Lucy ran swiftly through chairs, out to the ambulance bay, and down the street into the midst of downtown Chicago.   
  
  
Lucy shivered, looking around. "It's one of these buildings..." Lucy scolded herself for not bringing a coat, and for not knowing which building the clinic was in. All of the buildings on 15th street, across from the hospital, were old apartment buildings, and most of the offices and businesses were two or three floors up on them, without a crowd or sign to point themselves out.   
  
She looked at her watch. If she wanted to get that epi in time, she'd have to guess which one building it was. Lucy ran to the front door of an old, black painted building that looked somewhat familiar. Throwing open the door, she stepped in and looked up at the twisting staircase. Just a few floors... not that bad.   
  
Her feet clunked against the hollow, metal stairs as she quickly climbed them. One after the other, she was relieved to see a sign on the middle landing that directed all visitors to "The Chicago Women's Health District Clinic," then became disappointed when the sign indicated that it was closed today. "Maybe someone's in there anyway..." she said to herself, her pace quickening up the stairs. Her smile faded as she reached the top, faced with a fear that she hadn't felt in so long.  
  
There, standing in front of her was a tall man with light blonde hair. In his hand was a small shot gun. Lucy's feet stopped suddenly, each foot on a different stair. She couldn't even look at the man's face; all she saw was the small, polished gun and his hand on the trigger. She wanted to scream out for help, or for someone to come rushing to her rescue, but there was none. Lucy took a deep, sob-filled breath as she watched the man's hand tighten on the gun, and the slow, inevitable movement his finger made as he pulled back on the trigger.  
  
Lucy could feel herself falling, but she wasn't sure why. She had heard no gun shot, felt no pain. Backwards she fell, into a seemingly endless staircase of fear. Her body bounced slightly as it found the landing again, only this time with her stomach instead of her anxious feet. Something inside of her was falling asleep, and it sent tingles all throughout her spine. Lucy reached an arm up past her head, trying to stretch off the tiredness that was delivering itself through her entire body.   
  
Unable to fight it anymore, her wide, blue eyes sank into a squinted pain, before she finally shut them. Lucy lay sprawled out on the floor, in a gradually forming pool of her own blood...  



	7. The Good Day to Die

Shadow Of John Carter  
By Lindy  
  
Part 7: The Good Day To Die  
  
All she could feel right then was her heartbeat; the soft, monotonous rhythm that would echo, but only for a moment, and then start up again in the next. Lucy lay against the hard cement pavement of the staircase landing, one arm lay stretched above her head, and the other across her stomach. Although she could've move her hand, she could feel the blood flowing freely through her fingers.  
  
*But it had only been one bullet...* the voice in her head seemed to say. *Just one bullet...*   
  
Lucy felt both alive and dead right then, as she could feel herself losing the life that was left in her. It wasn't as bad as before with the stab wounds; then she had felt the blade slash through her stomach and her throat, she had felt the anguish as she lay broken and bleeding on the floor, hidden from all humanity.  
  
Now was much different. Lucy felt almost as if her body had fallen asleep, and the only thing left awake were her brain and her eyes as they blinked both nervous and casual stares into the ceiling above. *I didn't even feel the bullet... I must not have been hit...* When she tried to move, her back went numb with a hard tang, and the uncomfortable chills that went down her spine supported the evidence of the blood emanating from her stomach. Yes... she had been hit. Hard.  
  
"Car..." Lucy opened her mouth, but before she could finish, she was cut off by the nauseating feeling of warm blood in the back of her throat. *Carter...* she thought to herself. This time she wanted him to be here, only not bleeding to death beside her like the last fatal encounter. *Someone... anyone...* Lucy thought to herself. *Please, Carter, I don't want to die alone...*  
  
  
  
"Jerry!" Kerry Weaver approached the admit desk, obviously as mad as a raging bull. "Have you seen Lucy anywhere?"  
  
Jerry looked up at the red-haired tantrum. *Uh oh... she's gone from Dr. Knight back to Lucy again... this can't be good...* he thought to himself, trying hard not to smile. "Yeah, she left about an hour ago to go to the women's clinic for epi... something wrong?"  
  
"Why did she go to the women's clinic?" Weaver asked, stomping her cane into the tile to show exactly how upset she was. "We've got an MVA down in trauma four who needs a dose of atropine and about seventeen amps of epi!"  
  
Jerry shrugged, standing up and shuffling a stack of papers. "She said some guy was around or something. He told Lucy was supposed to go and get epi from the women's clinic."  
  
"Some guy?" Kerry's attention was now completely at the hands of Jerry's information. "Who?" she demanded, leaning over Jerry's shoulder.  
  
"I don't know, I didn't see anyone around though." Jerry sat back, placing charts on the counter. "And I was here the whole time. You know, Dr. Weaver, speaking of being here the whole time-" Jerry turned around, expecting to be facing Dr. Weaver, but instead was greeted by air. "Dr. Weaver?" He asked, seeing the redheaded doctor scurrying out into the ambulance bay. "Where are you going?"  
  
"Page Dr. Benton!" Kerry yelled, slamming her body into the door, causing it to come ajar. "And tell him he was right about Lucy!"  
  
"Wha?..." Jerry half-mumbled under his breath, then figured it was one of those things he wasn't going to understand. Complying with her orders, Jerry picked up the phone and dialed in Peter Benton's number.  
  


* * * * * *  
  


"It's not even open today... she could've tried to break in or something..." Kerry Weaver pushed herself on, walking as fast as she could. *I let her do this, this is all my fault, I let her go crazy. She's seeing people, Kerry, seeing imaginary people. She's seeing Carter. Carter's dead. He's been dead, she's been seeing him, and I let her think she was right.*  
  
And now, Lucy was somewhere wandering the streets of Chicago, looking for this mysterious man and some story about epi. Could Kerry be wrong? Was Lucy just, perhaps, looking for a family member? Or an OB nurse like she had when she was a med. student? Sure, those days were gone, but Lucy's heart was good... at least, it had been...  
  
"Dr. Weaver?" Kerry's thoughts were interrupted by the voice of Dr. Benton. "Jerry said something about Lucy leaving. What's wrong, what happened?"  
  
Kerry shook her head, her eyes steadfast as the apartment building neared them. "She's either being a good Samaritan, or she's lost it."  
  
Peter Benton eyed Kerry for a moment. "What happened?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know! One minute, she assures me she's completely sane. The next, some imaginary guy shows up at the desk asking for epi. Then we run out of epi, and she breaks standard protocol and goes to the women's clinic. They're not even open today! She's pretending it's Carter, Peter, and we've let her do it." She burst through the creaky, iron alloy door, giving Peter a remorseful glare.  
  
"Kerry, she's probably fine," Benton said, climbing the first flight of stairs. "She hasn't shown signs lately."  
  
"She did today!" Kerry said, glancing down at him as he climbed behind her. "And she's been doing it for a while!"  
  
Lucy's eyes strained against the neon light hanging above her in the apartment building. It hurt her eyes, but she feared if she shut them she wouldn't never wake up. The voices came from below her, and she could hear them as they got closer.   
  
"She's not well in the head, Peter! We knew it!"  
  
It was a familiar voice... but whose? Female, it was very emotional, almost upset. "Here..." Lucy said, but it came out only as a whisper. The blood fell on to her tongue, causing a strong, sour taste to fill her mouth.   
  
"Dr. Weaver, you're getting yourself upset for nothing. She's- hey... where's this blood coming from?" A thick, red line trickled down the stairs, trailing up to the landing.  
  
"Oh!" Was the only word a horrified Kerry Weaver could make out as her eyes fell upon the body of Lucy Knight, shot, and bleeding, on the floor of the landing, as it blinked back at her in solemn restriction. "Lucy..."  
  
"Kerry, go get a gurney!" Benton rushed to Lucy's side, turning her over with the easiest of care, looking for an exit wound. "No exit wound, the bullet's not out." Kerry heard as she nearly tripped down the stairs, rushing toward the nearest payphone...  
  


* * * * * *  
  


"It's okay, Lucy, it's gonna be okay." The gurney slid through the doors of County. Lucy looked up at the train of people hovering over her. Faces she knew, faces she felt emotion and familiarity for, but there was only one that she was thinking of. Carter...  
  
"Lucy!.... Lucy!..." The cry echoed through her mind. It was the cry of the last encounter, the scream of helplessness as Carter discovered Lucy's fate to be similar to his, as they both lay stabbed and bleeding on the cold, unforgiving floor. Now, she was alone.  
  
"Hang on Lucy!" The voice came from behind her, and Lucy recognized it with an embraceful look.   
  
"Carter," she managed out, spilling blood from her throat out the sides of her mouth. "Carter!..." Her eyes went wild, trying to locate where he was.  
  
"Shhh, Lucy... try not to talk..." Cleo brushed back her blood drenched hair. "She's asking for him," she could hear her say. "Get me an intubation tray."  
  
"No." Lucy made out. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. There were footsteps now, they were all around her; only they weren't those of her colleagues. Well... perhaps one of them...  
  


* * * * * *  


  
Lucy stared at the ceiling. There were whispers all about her, and she couldn't figure out which were her friends and which were foreign. It was a slew of both; and then there were more whispers:  
  
"You fought the good fight today, Lucy. Tomorrow you'll fight another."  
  
"No, Lucy. A vacation. Like the one your daddy's on."  
  
"Carter... passed away... a few minutes ago..."  
  
"I'm Lucy Knight, third year medical student. I start my ER rotation today."  
  
"And then it was just like someone had dumped me out of my body. But I could move, you know? And I felt a lot lighter, and I was still me."  
  
"Lucy, get your grandmother's violin from the shelf and play your song."  
  
"No, I can't suture. I never could."  
  
"Lucy? Lucy? Wake up, Lucy! Stay with us!" Lucy's eyes drifted toward the people surrounding her. Though things were blurry, she could make out the faces of Kerry Weaver, Cleo, Dr. Kovac, and Yosh. Their expressions begged her to stay, and Lucy felt almost pressured to stay alive. Through the color that seemed to swarm around her like a hurricane, Lucy managed to see something else.  
  
It was less of an image. More of a figure: a darkened gray outline of a man, standing behind the medical team at the foot of her gurney. Lucy couldn't make out his face through the blur or the foggy gray that seemed to crowd around this dark character.  
  
The pain was like pressure being kept in a bottle. When the pressure got high, Lucy's body stressed in an array of heat. When the pressure subsided, there was nothing but the shivering cold to let Lucy know she was still alive.   
  
"She's in shock," Lucy heard Kerry say aloud as machines bleeped and people prodded her side and stomach with all sorts of utensils. As the heart monitor began to go chaotic, Lucy's vision snapped up to where the figure had been, but it was no longer there. A cold brush of wind turned Lucy's attention to the floor, where Lucy could see just a peak of foggy, gray outlining.   
  
For some reason, although she didn't know why, Lucy was compelled to see this figure. What was it? Why was it here? Was she imagining things?... Or had she just been imagining them all along? Perhaps she was really crazy... She had to find out. Lucy grasped the side of the gurney, tilting her head to the side with all the force she could muster up that was still left inside of her. The outlined figure turned darker, but the outline went away so that the only gray left was from that of a shadow's reflection of gray on the floor, twisted in the realistic shape of a human body, lying on the ground.  
  
For a brief moment, all the energy that had ever existed in her, all of the force and endurance that she had ever wanted came at this very moment of realization. "Does anyone see him? Can't anyone see the shadow of John Carter? It's right there! It's John! It's the shadow of John Carter!"  
  
And just like that, the wave of energy was gone. The wind seemed to be back in her now, and the struggle to breathe was on once more. "Lucy, lie back!" Weaver commanded, holding back her shoulders and managing to push her down with the greatest of ease.   
  
Lucy wanted to scream out, "Don't let him die! Please, please, he can't die again! He's not supposed to! It's my fault, I got stabbed first! I should die!" but there wasn't enough air inside of her. She heard someone say intubation, and yet another plead for an air mask, but the voices began to fade away, and this time there were no whispers to follow. It was as if she had had her breath knocked out of her, and it had taken part of her with it.  
  
An epiphany came over her as Lucy lay there, dying, bleeding to death. Her eyes were full of solemn joy, though the tattered mess that was once her and the desperate hands of her friends reached all around her, as she realized what was to become of her. Her eyes looked up to the ceiling, and without taking a breath, and she whispered ever so softly while looking up to heaven above. "Lead me home... it's the good day to die."  



	8. Always and Forever

A Shadow of John Carter - Epilogue  
By Lindy  
  


Always and Forever  


  
Like a tidal wave had hit her at an altitude of twenty-five thousand feet, her body found the cold, tile floor, as it someone had dumped her from it. The bleeping was gone, the worried cries for tools and suction were gone, and when her eyes fluttered open Lucy found that the blurriness was gone, too. There was a brightness surrounding her that was less of a light than it was just color.  
  
"Lucy?" She felt a hand on her arm. Her eyes looked up to face its owner.   
  
She had never been so happy to see anyone than she had ever been before. Without guidance from the hand, Lucy immediately gathered herself and scrambled to her feet in record time. As fast as she was up, her arms were thrown around the neck of the man that she ached to see for such a long time.  
  
"Carter..." She cried into his shoulder while the moments passed.   
  
"Bet you didn't think you'd see me this soon." Carter ran his hand down her hair. "I know, Lucy... Don't cry, it's okay."  
  
Lucy waited a moment, letting options and possibilities hit her. She pulled away suddenly, smacking her hand against Carter's chest. Carter was slightly taken aback, studying her movements while he looked over the expression on her face. "You never told me how you were able to come back when you were dead!" Lucy yelled, almost accusingly.  
  
Carter's face curled into a grin. "Yeah, I know. I said I'd tell you eventually, and..." He held out his hands in a gesture of statemently openness. "Do you really want to know?" he asked, letting his arms fall at his side.  
  
"Yes." Lucy stated, wiping away the remains of tears and then folding her arms.  
  
Carter nodded, then watched Lucy for a minute. "Look around you," he said finally, motioning with his arm. Lucy blinked at him for a moment, afraid of what she might find. After all, surprises seemed to be popping up everywhere lately... but she did as she was instructed. The room, or hallway rather, that she stood in, was the entry way to the trauma room that they had just taken her into. Down the hall, Lucy could see Jerry in admit talking on the phone, and the brink of the waiting area. There was a few people passing in the hall with tech equipment, and the rest were medical crew. It was a normal day at County General -- with the exception of what was happening in the trauma room.  
  
"No one can see us... hear us..." Carter ticked his head over to the window that looked into the trauma room. He leaned his elbows on the ledge of it, looking into the room. Lucy was hesitant, but followed Carter's gaze into the room.  
  
Inside were her colleagues, all gathered around the body of her own. One monitored, one did compression's, one held the paddles. After a moment they would shock her. Anxiously, Lucy watched the heart monitor. Unchanging as it almost always did, it stayed in v-fib.   
  
"You're dying, Lucy." Carter said, watching as the team shocked Lucy's body.  
  
"I know..." Lucy said, following his matter-of-fact attitude. "But they're gonna try to save me anyway..." She watched Carter's expression. "Cause they don't want to lose another friend... and there's nothing they can do about it."  
  
"But there is something that you can do," Carter said. Lucy looked over at Carter. He looked back at her with emotion showing in his eyes. "Something for me."  
  
What was he talking about? What did he mean? Lucy's eyes searched his with an intense inquisitively. "What could you possibly need done, Carter? There's not a lot I can do for you. We're both dead..."  
  
Carter's expression at this point was somewhat mixed, with insecurity written everywhere, and sudden joy brimming at his eyes, he shook his head slowly. "Actually..." he said softly, "I'm not really dead."  
  
"What?" was Lucy's immediate reaction. She threw his hands from hers. "What? What are you talking about? You told me- you told me when you first came back, you told me that you were dead!"   
  
"I know, I know." Carter pulled her over to a row of chairs that were lined against the wall. He sat down in one, she in the adjacent. "Lucy... When I came back the first time and told you that I couldn't tell you how I got back here," Carter paused midsentence, not really sure how to continue. "It was because I didn't want to ruin things for you. Your life wasn't where it was supposed to be, you weren't in the right frame of mind to know how I came back. I didn't want to ruin what you had left."  
  
"How would it ruin things for me?" Lucy asked, her hand shaking slightly from the fear and anxiety of knowing.   
  
"Because..." Carter starting, his words fading out again. "I made a mistake, Lucy. I wasn't supposed to die."  
  
"Well, that's hardly your fault, I mean-"  
  
"No, it is. Just hear me out," he said, standing up. Lucy watched him, still sitting, not wanting to get up and follow his movements anymore. Carter paced over a few steps, only so that he could angle himself where he could see the trauma going on. "I gave up, Lucy." That was all he said for a few moments, then he went on. "When I was lying on the gurney... there was this man there. This messenger. And he gave a choice, to live or to die. And when I saw you in the room beside me... I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to be faced with the guilt."  
  
"What guilt?" Lucy asked, watching him.  
  
Carter's eyes looked back into hers. "The guilt of my mistake. Of not letting you give Paul Sobreki a psych consult to begin with." He held a hand up, knowing Lucy was ready to interject her comments. "And I know you think it's not my fault, but there were things I was supposed to do... but I gave up, instead. I was supposed to get out of that trauma room, I was supposed to correct my mistake, I was supposed to go on." Carter put a hand to his head, leaning against the ledge of the window again. Regret was showing in his face and in his appearance.   
  
"And I was supposed to die."   
  
Carter immediately stopped rubbing his forehead. He looked back over to Lucy, still sitting down. He felt horrible right then, absolutely drenched in regret and guilt, more so than he had ever been before. Carter didn't say anything as he crossed over to where Lucy was sitting and knelt down in front of her. He studied her expression, unblinking, as she seemed to tremble more and more. But he had to tell her. He had to let her know. "Yes, Lucy," was all that he could manage as tears swelled up in his eyes.  
  
"I knew... I think I just didn't put it together. When I was shot, I didn't feel a thing." She wiped her eyes. "There wasn't any pain. And I didn't even feel myself hit the floor..." Lucy ran a hand through her hair, which was still blood drenched like it had been when she was in the trauma room. "And then I heard your voice all around me, and I knew I wasn't supposed to be here. It didn't feel real enough..." Lucy's voice faded away, unsure of whether or not she made any sense at all.  
  
"I'm so sorry..." Carter said, grasping her hands in his. "I'm so sorry, Lucy. I shouldn't have left, but things just got screwed up, just for a split second!... and it ended up screwing everything else up..." Frustration shone in Carter's voice as he trembled with the truth.  
  
"It's alright Carter. You've fixed it." Lucy let a smile show through the ever-threatening tears. "But I don't understand one thing..." she asked, letting an uneasy hand rub her neck. "What did the shadow mean?"  
  
Carter repositioned himself, gaining more comfort as he knelt uneasily. "The shadow was the past. It was the starting point where things went wrong. The shadow that you saw," Carter paused again, trying not to show any biased emotion, "was mine. On the floor, right after the stabbing." He scratched the side of his cheek, looking away for a moment while gathering his thoughts.   
  
"I have to go back, Lucy. The shadows... I need to make them real. I need to fix what happened. I'm... I'm going back." Carter placed a hand on the side of Lucy's neck. "Don't be mad at me. Whatever you do, just don't be mad at me."  
  
"You're-... you're going back?" Lucy asked, sitting nervously. "But I just got here, and I- please don't leave me..."  
  
Carter smiled, pulling Lucy into a hug. "I have to Lucy... you did everything you were supposed to. You set up the plan for me to go back."  
  
The plan? What now? Lucy let tears fall on to his shoulder. "Don't. Please."  
  
"You did everything right, Lucy. And I'm going to go back. But I promise you, I'll see you very, very soon." He soothed her blonde hair.  
  
Lucy waited. Finally, she understood what had happened. She didn't really understand the technicalities, and she didn't understand death, but she accepted the fact that she was dead. "I'll come and visit you." Lucy said into the side of his neck as she stood against his 'body'.   
  
Carter smiled, letting a tear spill out on to her hair. "You can't, Lucy. You have to go home." Lucy closed her eyes, emotionally wincing. "You can watch me. Please, _please_ watch me," he said, smiling. "This world wasn't meant for you, anyway, Lucy. Not someone as beautiful as you."  
  
Lucy pulled away slowly, still holding Carter close. Her eyes shown, and now everything made sense. "That's what you said to me when I first came to your grave."  
  
"And I'm saying it again," Carter said. He waited only for a moment, letting the silence fade in as his lips met hers, and even though both of them knew the moment would not last, they each relished it with as much passion as the moment could sustain.   
  
When they pulled away, Carter had a huge grin on his face. "Lucy, look down," he said, letting her go for a moment so that she could see what he did.  
  
Upon looking down, Lucy gasped in slowly. Her bloody, stained clothes were gone. In their place was a silver evening gown that glimmered with its radiance. As her eyes drifted up, Lucy noticed that the pink scars from the stabbing were gone, replaced by skin as smooth as if they had never even been and her hair was blonde, not bloody.  
  
Tears fell from her eyes as she smiled at Carter. "Thank you." Now, Lucy had realized how Carter could come back. He had come back to take her home.  
  
Carter smiled, pulling her closer one last time, and whispering into her ear, "Close your eyes, Lucy."  
  
She looked at him one last time, knowing it would be the last time she would see him for a very long time. Lucy shut her eyes, and upon doing so, she felt his hands slide from hers. "Goodbye, Carter," she whispered, the mysterious wind filling the room again, running past her hair and making it back, over her shoulders.  
  
When the wind had died down, she opened her eyes slowly. Carter was gone, and the hospital room had changed. Red hearts decked the hallway, equipment that had been there was now gone, and a calendar on the wall declared the month to be February.   
  
Lucy walked over slowly to the window of the trauma room, where only moments ago her body had been lying. Now, in its place, was a completely different scene. Deb Chen, Abby Lockhart, and Peter Benton were huddled around the figure of a man. Only this time, it wasn't the shadow of John Carter. It was him. He was alive.   
  
Lucy took a deep, emotional breath as she watched the group in the room. Though it was chaos in there, Lucy's heart was at peace, and she knew that everything was as it should be. Lucy let the breath out in a sigh. "See ya, Carter. I'm going home." she whispered, letting her hand slide off of the window sill.  
  
Lucy took one last look at the place that had given her so many memories. It was the place that had reminded her who she was, with the man that let her find it out. As she turned down the hall of the ER, her dress swishing its glimmering shine, she watched people scurry about her, not noticing her, even though she hadn't been expecting them to be able to see her.   
  
And as she turned and walked through the doors of the ambulance bay, Lucy Knight disappeared into the wind.   



End file.
